💡 Recently, after finishing a busy period, I realized that I haven't written a blog for a long time. The last blog was written a month ago. Recently, besides being busy with my graduation project, I have been on duty and dealing with trivial matters. I always feel confused and aimless. It's almost the end of university, and I haven't had the chance to calm down and read a book for a long time. So I decided to find a niche book to read, "And Then, I Was Alone" by Japanese author Fumio Yamamoto. Some authors use fancy words to create a sophisticated style, but Yamamoto's writing style is plain and calm. It's rare to depict ordinary daily life in a moving way, as if it is a skill.
The novel is like a diary, mainly recording the author's solitary life. The writing is plain, and it only records small things in the author's life, like a young girl's diary. Today, I don't feel like going out. Tomorrow, I have to finish my manuscript. The day after tomorrow, I bought a bunch of things and went on a trip with my good friend. Suddenly, I feel warm-hearted. Sometimes, life doesn't need a lot of profound theories, just a pile of trivial matters. There are too many people telling us how to study, how to improve, but there are few who can tell us how to live, how to live alone.
There are many people in the world who have nowhere to place their hearts, whether it's friends, lovers, parents, or siblings. Not everyone can find the meaning of living. - Quoted from page 48
I am fascinated by the author's record of her solitary life in the book. She doesn't have the troubles of socializing too much, and she doesn't have to reflect her heart in various situations. She says, "Working alone, reading alone, eating alone, watching TV alone, sleeping alone. If you feel lonely and can't stand it, you will find someone to live with. But I don't feel lonely. If there is something difficult to bear, it is not being able to be alone." In her world, it seems that she can live a colorful life every day as a single person. She can write a novel when she wants to, take a bath with freshly washed towels and pajamas, watch TV leisurely, drink chilled wine, and fall asleep in bed when she is drunk until she wakes up naturally.
This kind of life seems ordinary, but it is something that ordinary people find difficult to have. The so-called inability to match ambition is simply because we have never been able to live the small life we like. We have never been able to reconcile with ourselves in the daily life.
After closing the book, I thought about my own situation. As an only child, I come from a very happy family and have no worries about food and clothing. Although I am not rich, I am at least not lacking in basic needs. Since I learned to read, I have never done anything earth-shattering. There are no youthful twists and turns like in youth dramas or novels. Perhaps, like many ordinary people, I have learned to be self-consistent in the hustle and bustle of time. There have been bitterness and loneliness, but also joy and unforgettable memories. I have many friends who have always been alone like me. They occasionally post pictures of their rooms: flowers on the table, a small photo wall with fairy lights, carpets and small tables as standard, and those with more energy will take the time to paint their rooms in their favorite colors... Whenever I look at these pictures, I think, ah... I should also do something to please myself.
The biggest feeling this book gives me is that not everything in life needs to have a meaning. Going out to eat a bowl of ramen today, going to the nearby mall to watch a popular movie tomorrow, and then taking a stroll in the park, sitting on a bench and daydreaming. This is real life. So I especially agree with the saying: Every interesting soul should live alone for a while. It allows us to break free from the trivial and decadent aspects of daily life, establish our own life order, and learn to get along better with ourselves.
But am I really alone? Am I satisfied and happy because I have always been alone? I don't think I am alone, or rather, I have never been alone. The person who always feels like being alone in my consciousness is actually related to thousands of people. I have parents who love me and unconditionally support me in doing what I want to do. I have a group of close friends with whom I often go out to eat and play sports together. In fact, I have never been alone. What exists is a version of me who can be alone and still feel satisfied, and all of this is possible because I have accepted countless companionship and love. Although the author's solitary life is attractive, I now have people who love me and people I love around me, which allows me to face the challenges and anxieties of life and live bravely.
In the epilogue of the book "And Then, I Was Alone," Fumio Yamamoto wrote: "I don't know if it's due to the times or my personal fragility, but in the diary of April 2000, I seemed to have been pushed to a point where I had nowhere to escape." Miss Yamamoto got married again. The woman who seemed to enjoy her solitary life and appeared carefree finally couldn't stand her solitary life one day. I don't know if she is happy or free after marriage. I only know that living alone is something very difficult to persist in.
As a naturally social person, whether living alone or living in a group, there is always something that I can't explain clearly. It may be a feeling that makes me feel comfortable both physically and mentally, or it may be two different senses of security. But no matter what, let's be happy and laugh as much as we can. Find something you love and wholeheartedly pursue it, and then, stick your restless heart to it without hesitation.
Perhaps defining whether one is alone is a false proposition, because love can overcome all difficulties, and it is love that prevents the soul from wandering in the wilderness. 💞