We patiently wait, waiting for the long exhaustion to dissipate, waiting to meet the new self.
How should I describe the coldness of the south? At this moment, I am back home. The osmanthus tree outside the window is still lush green. Before going to bed, I stood at the window and watched for a while. The low eaves, dim halo of the street lamp, rain and snow floating in the spreading light, I lay in bed, the wind blowing the window making a sound. When I woke up the next day, the osmanthus tree was covered in white, and a layer of frost covered the opposite eaves. It's so cold, a coldness from head to toe, inside and out. Only I am warm, with clothes and hair against my heart for warmth. This is probably the coldness of the south.
Thinking back to the life before October last year, it feels like a different world. What was I doing then? I vaguely remember being in isolation and waiting, and then reality collapsed with a bang, and I was caught up in time to the present moment. Finally, it's almost Chinese New Year. Three years ago, around this time, I traveled from north to south. The day after I arrived home, there was an outbreak in Anhui, and the reality of life was overturned, and I was caught up in time again this year.
The reason I write down these trivial matters is because in these past few years, the speed of time seems to have changed. Reality either accelerates or slows down, and my perception has become less real. If it weren't for the coldness of the south and the approaching Chinese New Year, I wouldn't think about these things again. What impact does all of this that we have experienced have on us? I often ponder, but I can't find an answer. I also ask others, and I find that they are even more confused than me. Are the things that happen in this world really meaningless, like flowing sand?
Someone told me that in the long run, humans are also accidental, and civilization is not important. Well, of course I know that, but I am not a fossil. I live in the present moment. I am not very angry or upset, just confused. So many things have happened, and I can't pretend they don't exist, right? Someone also told me that individuals are powerless, and countless experiences have proven this. But I always refuse to believe it and accept this reality.
Recently, I read a book, and someone wrote this sentence in it. She said, "I feel sorry for the evil and filth you experienced when you were young, because there are actually many beautiful things in this world." I stopped and thought for a moment, feeling that what she said was really good. For those who feel powerless, I also feel sorry, because there must be many powerful things in this world that you just haven't seen. Where we cast our gaze determines our direction forward. I am willing to believe and desire to believe that this world is so beautiful and worth our efforts. But I can't explain it, and I can't even encourage others, because the darkness within their sight, I believe, is also a kind of reality.
But that doesn't matter. What matters is not what we see or what we think, but what we decide to do. It is better to act than to stop and think. Only through action can we determine who we will become in the future. We have heard too many truths, but in fact, truths are useless. The change in life does not rely on any wise words, but on every action we take. Only by taking action can real change happen. If we believe in something, we must keep taking action so that life does not stagnate.
At certain moments, I have accepted some regrets and limitations, such as the fact that we cannot choose time or determine the future. The randomness in life is actually immense. But in more moments, I believe in human confidence and power. Yes, there are indeed things we cannot control, but we still have the power to decide other things, don't we? If you say that life is completely accidental, I don't believe it. There must be something that I can change through my own actions. I may not be able to determine my fate, but can't I determine who I am? How I think, how I act, how I change, aren't these things I can decide?
Of course, we cannot change the world. What's there to regret about that? Accept reality early on, and then pick ourselves up. I never planned to change the world, I only planned to change myself. I won't change the world, nor do I intend to blend into it. I am only determined in the things I can decide. I always repeatedly make resolutions because I know it's difficult, and I have to cheer myself on.
But life itself is difficult. There are no easy things in this world. Once I understand this, I can completely relax. Since it's the end of the year, let's patiently wait, waiting for this year to pass, waiting for a good night's sleep, waiting for the long exhaustion to be dispelled, waiting for the new year, when we meet the new self.